


How Long (To Let Go)

by Icy_Peachy



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Brief Appearance of All Members, Canon Compliant, Changkyun is a mess, Changkyun is being complicated, Confrontations, Hyungkyun, Hyungwon is irritated, Hyungwon is trying his best, Idols, Kissing, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention Of Homophobia, Mutual Pining, No Mercy Mentioned, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Tension, Smut, The How Long duet, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-06-12 10:57:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icy_Peachy/pseuds/Icy_Peachy
Summary: What do you do when an intimate performance on stage toHow Longwith your friend makes you think about how you two can't be together?That's currently Im Changkyun's situation when his feelings come up again for fellow Monsta X member, Chae Hyungwon. But what he doesn't know is he isn't the only one with feelings that need to be confronted.Both members wants sparks to erupt and ignite between them in the night, but how can they when one of them is holding back and refusing to let go? Guess that just means the other has to be the match.(Feat. Slight Angst, Confessions, Smut & Of course..Love!)





	1. Was It Real Or Just For Show?

**Author's Note:**

> So..Hi! <3  
> This is my first fanfic in forever. I used to write for fanfiction.net back in the day. This is also my first kpop fic and ship fic. I adore HyungKyun so much and love their dynamic and their bond in real life. The How Long performance always messes me up, especially because each show they get more daring. This fic is based off an idea I had after watching countless fancams of the performance and talks with author, peachyminhyuk. So yeah..I hope ya enjoy the ride!
> 
> Kudos/Comments Are Loved!~ (They keep me from being depressed... ^^;;)

     The sound of the music had just ended and there Changkyun took in a deep breath, turning his head to look at his dance partner and fellow member as they lay collapsed on stage following the end of their unit performance. His chest rose and fell rather quickly, deep breaths in and out as he worked to regain himself, his mind cloudy and lost in the moment of pure bliss from what happened only moments ago. He felt his stomach tighten, a stupid grin on his face. Hyungwon in that same moment had turned his own head and looked back at him, smiling at how loud their fans cheered in the audience as the lights faded to black. Changkyun felt like time was still though as the two men looked at each other pleased with their showcase, his own cheeks hot and not just because he just finished dancing. They had done the _How Long_ routine at other concert locations, but the differences each time they did it were changing as now the touches lingered longer, emotions on their faces became more expressive, and even the younger's own sense of self became more aware of how intimate the routine was in reality and how much he had enjoyed it. He felt like the trance from the moment they danced together in synchronization with their movements to his partner's hand running across his body, the slight pant that always escaped his mouth as the other stood behind his back in the moment of the routine was more than just some high of being on stage. Actually, Changkyun was aware it was more than a high. It was his feelings for the other being heightened from being so close, from how Hyungwon touched him and made his skin feel like it was on fire to how it felt like sparks were erupting in his chest, and how the other looked at him so passionately during the performance, with a gaze that was almost like they were more than just friends or bandmates but instead something deeper.

     They both finally pushed themselves onto their feet, their gazes going from being locked onto one another to now standing up and rushing offstage. They both stood off stage, their breathing finally returned to normal, sweat dripping off their foreheads as the crew swarmed around them both breaking any further contact together as the crew worked to wipe them down, get them hydrated and ready to return onto the stage as a full team with the remaining members. Frankly, the younger was a bit disappointed at the lack of calm and even breathing room so he could have a moment to pull his mind together following the dance. It felt like each concert they got less and less time to pull themselves together, something Changkyun desperately needed with how strong the clenching at his stomach was as he managed one last peek over at the older. He knew he had to push the feelings away once again though because feelings for not only his friend, but one of the same sex was dangerous for not only himself but, the whole group. And after the fiasco of hell broadcasting, as Minhyuk called it, he wasn't going to be another reason for stress to his members and his family. So there the youngest stood, sighing to himself as he let the high fade away, the butterflies in his stomach settle and his heart crack just a bit more. As he put on the smile back on his face and turned back to the stage, walking back up the steps shouting into the mic to the fans in English, he happened to miss the gaze of the one he wanted so bad who was looking back at him, his own expression forlorn.

~~~~~~~

     The seven members of Monsta X slowly got out of the van as it parked at the hotel nearby the concert venue. First the two eldest stepped out, Hoseok and Hyunwoo, holding open the door as the others slowly got out. Makeup was slowly fading off their worn out, hungry faces. Kihyun stepped out next, sighing followed by Minhyuk and Jooheon. Kihyun cracked his neck, moving his arms in circular motions to stretch out his worn out body while the two others jumped out laughing together about some inside joke between the two. Last to come out was Hyungwon and finally, Changkyun. Hyungwon stood nearby to wait for the youngest, hoping to walk up to their respective rooms together. However, instead Changkyun completely ignored all each member and completely walked passed all of them and inside the hotel, fidgeting in his pocket for his keycard. The remaining members all looked at each other. Kihyun and Hyunwoo looked at each other, their eyes shifting to the windowed wood doors of the hotel where the youngest had vanished and was no longer in view and then looked back at the other members, confusion on their faces.

“Um..what the hell was that about?” Kihyun asked, his tone mixed with confusion and slight irritation. It wasn't like the youngest to not even thank his elders. He always held respect for them, so to not even hear a 'thank you' to the leader or Hoseok for the van door was off-putting to the main vocalist.

“Maybe he was tired or not feeling well?” Minhyuk now spoke up, crossing his arms across his chest as he sighed, his eyebrows raising as he tilted his head to the side a bit.

“He WAS rather silent after the concert and didn't say anything during the ride.” Jooheon added in, his own worry being expressed as he looked at the other five members. He noticed how Hoseok frowned, knowing well the elder was probably worried about the younger rapper, especially as he always worried about the lot of them. Jooheon's gaze stopped to also noticed how Hyungwon's eyebrows were furrowed as he stared at the hotel doors, his gaze never leaving it, a frown formed across his lips. The noise of the van door slamming closed however, made the rapper jump a bit at the sudden noise as he looked at their leader, his attention no longer on Hyungwon.

“Changkyun isn't normally like this we all can agree something isn't right. But may we should gi-” Hyunwoo said, his voice calm and collected, his own worry for the youngest in his own way, but he was cut off by the tallest of the group. Hyungwon finally spoke up as the leader looked over raising an eyebrow as as he noticed the taller briefly roll his eyes.

“I'll take care of it. He's my roommate. I'll make sure he apologizes for the disrespect and take care of him tonight. Goodnight hyungs. And Jooheon-” The tallest member looked over at the other rapper, his mouth open as if to say something to him and the other staring back at him, but shook it off and closed his mouth. “Don't worry. Sleep well. Sorry for cutting you off by the way, Hyunwoo-hyung.” Hyungwon nodded to the leader before putting on a softened smile as he looked at the rest of his bandmates before he exited the parking lot, leaving them still with puzzled expressions. He opened the large wooden doors as he picked up his pace slightly. He could hear the faint shuffling of the others as they gathered themselves to go upstairs as well. His own expression once he stepped inside the rather lavish hotel changed from the faint smile to one of concern mixed with agitation. He knew exactly what was wrong with Changkyun. And it was gonna stop tonight before it caused any more stress for not just himself, but also the added hurt it caused the younger deep down. He knew he was the only one who could help the youngest to just get rid of what was bothering him.

~~~~~~~

     The dark brown haired rapper currently stared at his reflection of the bathroom mirror of the hotel room he unfortunately shared with Hyungwon (not actually unfortunate, but considering how he was feeling at this moment, it wasn't the initial joyful feeling) after having just rinsed his facial cream off his face, removing all the makeup, dirt and dried sweat that was coating his face from the day's concert. He hadn't even taken a shower yet, but right now this was the fastest thing he could get started in order to have a reason to ignore his roommate and hide away until the other would get through the door and he wouldn't have to worry about bumping into him or meeting him face to face as the younger knew the other would be up anytime soon. He stared once again into the mirror, sighing to himself as he grabbed one of the nearby small towels from the rack, dabbing at his face to dry it. Instead of then leaving the restroom, he sat on the toilet and instead tried to focus on the current situation and the issue that arose that day that made him feel so conflicted, even resulting in him hopping out of the car when they arrived that night and leaving his members behind with no word.

     He bit the inside of his lip, hands clasped together as he stared at the marble flooring. He was in love with Hyungwon. That was the short summary of the issue he was currently facing and the one he had been for awhile. The only difference now was how intense it got more and more lately as they did their 2nd World Tour. Before, there was the little things the greyish-blonde and him had done together, such as spending time with one another, their texts, calls, gaming nights, the skinship they shared, and just being near each other that while it did cause the affection for the vocalist to grow, he was able to escape when it got too much by retreating and staying in his studio days at a time. But now he was on a tour where he couldn't really escape or hideaway days at a time and he was also doing an intimate dance routine with the other. A routine he loved a lot regardless of the situation because having the older that close and his hands on him even for a moment, even if it meant nothing to his partner, it felt like for a bit he was his. That closeness they had was just them two. Hyungwon chose him to help, to be his partner in crime and had trusted him. So to Changkyun that time together was theirs and a closeness the younger yearned so badly for and not just because he loved him. He could admit it to himself but only with warm, reddening cheeks: he wanted Hyungwon to touch him so badly.

     The younger wasn't stupid and fully aware of how he would stare at the older when they posed during photoshoots, took selca shots for Twitter or when they were at fanmeetings. His gaze always moving down to the plump lips of the elder, trailing to his long slender neck and then imagining what it would be like to cover them in small bits of purple and red and his gaze overlooking his hyung as a whole. He was so beautiful, yet so taunting to the rapper. He was tall and thin, but he has such a Godlike presence that he couldn't understand how the other was even in their group and not ruling Heaven or something. Changkyun was staring even more the past few months, being especially grateful to this last comeback because of the styling choices. The often exposing shirts, chains and darker colors of clothing chosen for The Connect promotions fit so nice with the lead visual's frame and lighter skin tone and had included light colored hair dyes, colors the younger rapper found so innocent, but when Hyungwon wore it it was more seductive than light and innocent.

     Changkyun licked his lips as the thoughts that popped into his head as he replayed the times they had together only for him to shake his head and trying to dismiss them. He could feel the black tight jeans he still wore from the end of the concert becoming tight as unclasped his hand and rubbed his face. He could only imagine the touching they did on stage, but instead in the privacy of their room, him being able to feel the older's hands move lower on his body and the youngest being able to able moan out like he wanted to just for him. God..he was so weak for Hyungwon. He was so weak for the tall vocalist, one of his best friends, his teammate and now roommate. Wonderful. How did it even get that far to begin with? One moment Hyungwon had no interest in him from the beginning to now them being so close, sharing the most closest of moments you can have as 'just friends' and telling each other's personal things that nobody else would ever hear. Except, it also included Changkyun pining for the other. Pining for Hyungwon's physical touch, his heart, and his commitment to him.

     The dark haired man stood up from his previous seating spot on the lid of the toilet and started pacing back and forth in the confinement of the bathroom, his mind thinking about how much longer this feeling could go on and wondering how he could just get rid of it. Loving the elder wasn't really appropriate and continuously yearning for his teammate was only causing him issues, sometimes sleepless nights, and frankly, making his mood irritated because he wanted to kiss and touch the other so badly, but then was left to his fantasies and loneliness. It was distracting at times and having to keep his feelings a secret was starting to become exhausting. As he stood there dealing with his insecurities, he failed to hear Hyungwon outside the hotel room door, the clicking of the lock as the door opened and shut with a soft clicking sound behind him, the sound of the room lock engaging.

~~~~~~~

_(Flashback to 10 minutes ago, before entering the room.)_

_Hyungwon entered the elevator, pressing the '_ _**5** _ _' button of the red and silver display of the the hotel floors. He reached into his left pocket pulling out a peppermint candy he grabbed earlier from the manager, popping it into his mouth. He crossed his arms, slightly spacing off as he got caught in his own head, mindlessly sucking on the hard candy. The elevator jerked in motion as it slowly started to rise, however the taller wasn't even bothered still thinking to himself. He was very aware of how Changkyun felt about him. He knew the maknae had feelings for him because believe it or not, the younger wasn't exactly subtle about it much to his chagrin. Well...at least to Hyungwon and Jooheon. Jooheon knew as well and Hyungwon almost told him outside in front of the others what was going on, but luckily he stopped himself. Their gazes however told enough and the other rapper knew as they nodded silently to each other shortly as Hyungwon had taken off moments ago. To be honest, the older had purposely chosen Changkyun to be his dance partner for that reason. He knew he could be intimate with him, run his hands along so closely and scandalously on stage and could fully pull off the performance like he wanted with their maknae, the one who wanted his attention as much as Hyungwon actually wished for him back. Hyungwon sighed as the door to the 4th floor stopped, letting in a pair of darker haired girls, his gaze not even bothered as he bit down on mint, a crunch echoing in the enclosed space._

_Hyungwon actually had as deep of feelings for the younger as the other had for him. He had feelings for him shortly after their debut, but often himself ignored it as just a deep friendship since he hadn't had those feeling so strongly before for anyone, especially for someone of the same sex. Feelings of deep love like he had for his fellow member. After awhile though, he started realizing and focusing on the pain in his chest when the youngest was hurt, how his stomach felt like it was churning whenever they joked around or the other smiled, how his heart skipped a beat whenever they were together alone, or how when the young rapper would crawl into bed with him from nightmares, their skin coming in contact when he moved in his sleep and they were wrapped together in a way that could look almost sexual and it made Hyungwon's skin feel like it was burning._

_Following the realization that those feelings weren't just a friendship and how he got turned on anytime they slept side by side and skin briefly touched, Hyungwon accept that he wanted be with the youngest and not just whole heartedly love him, but also wanted to make love to him. At first, he felt a bit of guilty thinking about the youngest in intimate and sexual ways in his fantasies, but after awhile he stopped caring. He wasn't actively trying anything, just having a fantasy which adults with hormones did. Plus, Changkyun was gorgeous and incredibly attractive. Any sane person could understand the thoughts the older had of pinning the youngest's smooth wrists down if they had met him. The taller then subtly always tried to hint to Changkyun he felt for him once he found out how the youngest rapper felt in return (and how excited his heart felt like it would burst from the mutual feelings but he hid it behind a veil of relaxed emotions). Their countless rendezvous and meetups at night, the moments on Vlives together, the touching and hand holding in public, how comfortable the older felt just telling him so many things he only trusted to the other, and even the choreography they performed was then all his ways of flirting and showing his affection._

_The ding of the elevator went off only moments later as the two heavy doors split open, the two girls from earlier giggling at him as he stepped out into the hallway of the 5 th floor, looking down the empty, long and quiet corridor before staring at the key card in his hand. He slowly started walking, brushing his hair up and back as he took in a deep breath. You would think the visual would be afraid of confronting the youngest about their feelings for one another considering their genders and being idols from conservative South Korea. Hyungwon though had accepted how he felt and his own sexuality long before after he had a discussion with the main rapper of the group, Jooheon. _

_It happened awhile before then after the elder had been practicing alone in the studio as he struggled with his feelings and was having a hard time focusing. He felt bothered after overhearing a conversation among some trainees about something concerning sexuality and there he was having homosexual feelings for his band mate. So of course he was questioning himself and if it really was wrong. He was a member of a rising group and their group was important and practically his family. Being found out that he had feelings for someone of the same-sex could spell disaster, but he also needed to talk to someone about it or it was going to eat him alive. It was then he had this feeling that he needed to talk to one of his members. They were his brothers right? Who though was less likely to judge and knew how the world could be? Before he knew it, he was knocking on Jooheon's door to his studio as the younger opened the door, his dimples deep as he smiles, though his face look exhausted. Jooheon was slightly confused at first after Hyungwon asked him about his opinion on sexuality and gender out of the blue. The main rapper, regardless of how often they spoke of girls in their music, didn't find gender or sexuality to be something that should be judged. He had told Hyungwon that people were people. They all did things right and wrong, all had beating hearts, and all fell in love. That the world was a fucked up place, but one thing that shouldn't be considered fucked up was love for someone, whether it be for a man or a woman or someone inbetween and that he wished their own country could be on the same page. After that, Hyungwon had finally confessed his own feelings and how he felt about Changkyun. Jooheon could only smile at the trust he was given being told and reiterated to his older that he should never change who he was. That no matter what he would always defend him and stand beside him because being true to himself was far more important than some music career, that they were family whether they were Monsta X or not. Hyungwon had taken those words so deeply to heart and memory that he never stopped replaying the younger's words in his head and from then on out, focused on the love he held and not being ashamed in who he was._

_Hyungwon walked just a bit further, biting slightly on his lower lip before biting more into the peppermint as it shattered into tiny pieces. He thought the younger was being a bit irrational and was once again, locking his emotions and himself up again. It was only going to start causing a rift and issues not only with himself, but in the group unless he and the elder finally just got the confessing out of the way. The vocalist wasn't stupid though and knew the younger was probably going to try and deny any feelings, let alone be so easy to talk to about it. Saying you were in love with someone, regardless of who it was, wasn't exactly a walk in the park. And Hyungwon accepted it was going to be rough. What mattered though is they finally face each other. Finally, seconds later her arrived at their room as he swallowed the shards of the remaining candy in his mouth. He held onto his key and took a deep breath before lifting the card and sliding it into the lock as the light of the metal lock turned green and he turned the handle of the door._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do ya think so far?  
> Hyungwon definitely is not having Changkyun's attitude, but  
> loves him and just wants them happy.  
> Changkyun is a mess, stressed and in love.  
> Don't worry..the next part is coming soon!  
> Next chapter includes a confrontation, some mentions of homophobia, and confessions!
> 
> Please let me know if you have anything to say so I can make it better!  
> And thank you again for reading!


	2. Baby, I Just Gotta Know.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions and confrontations happen.  
> Emotions are all over.  
> A heated, angsty moment.  
> Hyungwon is tired of hiding..  
> And Changkyun is scared, yet in love.  
> What do they do now?

     Changkyun finally came out his thoughts, deciding that just standing there in the bathroom was doing no good so he figured he would get his shower out of the way and then bed. Again, he hadn't paid attention to the noises earlier and opened the bathroom door. As he unlocked the button on the door, he stepped out coming face to face with the exact person he had been avoiding. The dark haired rapper stared at the older in front of him, mouth slightly agape as if he was going to say something, but had hesitated. Hyungwon stood in front of him, sighing as they both looked at each other. All the younger could do was close his mouth and slightly grind his teeth, turning to go to his suitcase where his bathroom supplies were, not saying anything to the elder at first.

“Kyunnie, we need to have a talk.” Hyungwon had started out, his voice calm, collected as he stood there beside the other, his expression a mixture of seriousness, but also relaxed. That expression only made the younger slightly panic inside. _Talk? Talk about what?_ _Probably his sudden disappearance and how he just left his members behind._ _What else could it be?_ Changkyun cleared his throat, averting his gaze from the taller because frankly, he knew he wouldn't think straight if he stared back.

“If it's about me leaving so suddenly, I'll apologize to everyone tomorrow. I really didn't feel well and just..well, I just wanted to get to bed.” The youngest tried to say with certainty a slight forced half smile on his lips, but for some reason his voice sounded slightly flat. _What the hell?!_ _This is not the time to lose his cool._ He started to walk away, anything to distract the situation, but a rather cool hand had wrapped around his wrist from behind as he stepped forward. As he was stopped in place he looked down and at his wrist where Hyungwon's hand was upon his. _Oh shit. No no. Not right now._ Those were the first thoughts as Changkyun continued looking forward and at his suitcase, cursing in his mind at his heart beating a bit more than normal.

“Bed huh? For someone who doesn't feel well, you sure are pretty active instead of laying down. You also don't look pale enough to be ignoring people like that. Is that REALLY what's wrong or is that an excuse, Im Changkyun?” The older's voice changed from relaxed to a bit interrogative, and rather firm at the obvious lie. And did he actually use his full name? The younger never heard the elder use his name like that, no honorifics, no nickname, nothing unless it meant a situation was serious.

     This was obviously more than Changkyun wanted to handle right now, so he managed to jerk his hand away from the other, walking forward to his suitcase as he rummaged through it. Silence filled the air for a few moments as he slowly tried to ignore the situation at hand. He finally stood up moments later. Hyungwon still stood near the bathroom, his gaze still on the maknae, piercing like he was trying to stare the truth out of the youngest. Changkyun had to hold his ground as he finally looked back at the other, his brow furrowed as he bit his lip slightly, his nose crinkling, now holding a faked expression of irritation at the fact that the elder was actually right, but he couldn't let him know that.

“So you think me being sick is an excuse? What the hell are you implying, hyung? That I am lying or something? I said I would apologize. I'm gonna shower to see if I feel a bit better from that then heading to bed. Lay off would you?” Changkyun's words changed from trying to stay calm to the defensive, a bit closed off, and bit aggressive. And he hadn't meant to be disrespectful, but the other was making him panic and he had to put a guard up. He really couldn't handle any sort of confrontation with the vocalist right now. His heart really couldn't handle with how he felt. He watched as the other crossed his arms, gaze looking off to the side as if contemplating what he was going to say, before looking back up, taking in a deep breath.

“I'm not going to lay off when you are clearly lying to my face, Changkyun. I know you better than anyone with this bullshit. This closed off attitude and distance you're pulling from everyone..This silence you're creating.. It isn't because you're 'not feeling well'.” Hyungwon mocked, pursing his lips together and taking a breath, his tone confident but still bothered, his gaze locked on the youngest and not moving as they stood there with their staredown. The air felt tense as his crossed arms dropped to his sides, one coming up and pushing his hair back.

“Hyung, you don't know what you're talking about. I'm not being clos-”

“I know the way you're acting isn't from being sick. It's because of your feelings for me, Changkyun. Did you think I was that unobservant to everything? That I didn't notice how you've been treating me lately?” Hyungwon said it calmly, but made it firm enough to show the youngest he wasn't playing around anymore and that the conversation had to happen. The younger was taken aback, his eye widened slightly, his heart beating hard in his chest as it felt like everything shattered around in his ears. He only barely managed to hold onto his toiletries as his gaze quickly averted the other as he swallowed hard. _No nope. This was NOT happening. Oh God. Hyungwon actually knew. Fuck fuck fuck. What do I do? He can't-I can't-Just no._ Changkyun mentally started to panic, but tried to hold firmly onto his emotions as his face switched back to one of no expression, an tactic used when he was trying to shut down, regardless that seconds ago his eye were wide and in shock, panic seeping in.

“I don't know what you're talking about, hyung. And you? Unobservant? Like hell I would believe that. You're probably the most observant out of all of us. But, hyung, maybe you really should stop reading those webtoons at night because they might be making you delusional.” Changkyun sarcastically laughed, rolling his eyes as he walked forward to go to the bathroom. He really had to escape and pull himself together. This was really making his anxiety skyrocket through the roof.

“Changkyun-ah, are you really trying to pull that bullshit on me? Delusional? So..your heart doesn't speed up when we get close and I grab your hand feeling your pulse going crazy? Your skin doesn't feel like fire when we lay beside each other at night and I feel it when we bump against each other? Your cheeks don't turn that pink shade whenever we spend time alone together and you make me laugh? That's all me 'being delusional'?” The visual's voice was in disbelief as he scoffed, sighing as if he had something heavy against his chest and was trying to relieve some sort of invisible pain. All Changkyun could do was try to avoid gazes and focus on himself. And god did it hurt to say the words he was to his hyung. It was hurting him to see the negative emotions spreading on his crush's face that he was causing. He really just want to grab onto him so bad.

“Won, I don't know what you're trying to imply. But there is nothing that I am trying to hide, especially not some crush on you or something risky and dumb like th-” Changkyun's words immediately dropped when he made eye contact again with the older and saw the older's eyebrows furrow and clear anger on his face. He didn't remember the last time Hyungwon actually looked mad considering the taller was pretty laidback with most things. So to him mad, the younger knew things were reaching a breaking point and it was obviously caused by him.

“Would you cut the crap already? This stupid denial you're having is tiring when we both know you're lying. I didn't think you of all people would be so keen on lying though, especially to me.” Hyungwon's tone was losing the firm stability he originally had and instead started to sound tired. The younger could hear it as he spoke and he didn't mean to be causing the vocalist so much trouble and maybe he was being a coward. However, he couldn't just openly admit he liked him. Especially when he feared what the others would think of him or how bad things would become if he did say the other was right. So instead he just stood there near the bathroom door, shuffling his shampoo, his breathing slightly uneven at times until he sighed to speak up.

“Hyung..I'm not keen on lying to you. I would never do that. You know I wouldn't...” Changkyun himself was now losing its own bite to it and sounded less defensive. They both didn't like fighting and when they did it only drained them. Regardless how fans saw them both as quiet at times or odd or how some fans saw the younger as 'savage' to his elders, he hated confrontation. They play fought and joked around meanly to one another of course as all the members did, but Changkyun and Hyungwon themselves preferred to stay out of fights between members. Changkyun especially considering the whole debacle and tension from _No Mercy_. He did NOT want that whole feeling to come rushing back over him. So he stood there biting his lower lip staring at the taller eye to eye, the other's gaze focused back on him.

“Changkyun. I didn't confront you to come after you like you're thinking. I know you're hiding how you feel..and obviously are lying to me but..” The elder's tone lowered and almost became rather soft and like a whisper only they could hear if they were in a crowded room. “..I don't blame you. I just think you should know you aren't alone in how scared you are or for liking me. Because well..you should know I like you too. And you need to know that I feel for you like you feel for me, Kyunnie. So please..drop the lies already. I'm telling you to just let them go. That it's okay because your feelings are mine too.” Hyungwon's final words were said with such care, so light that all he could do is smile at the younger in front of him. And all he saw at first was the rapper stiffen, toiletries falling out of his hands and hit the floor as he backed up against the wall. Changkyun was trying to process what was just said and his thoughts were all over the place just like his emotions. _Hyungwon..liked him back? They both liked each other? This wasn't a joke?_ _All that pining was them both?_ They both have been hurting. They both stared at each other with longing. Both of their hearts wanted to actually be together. He could finally tell him how he felt and the youngest felt so excited and relieved inside. It felt suddenly like a million bricks were lifted from his shoulders. It feel like a whole weight lifted off his heart and would float away. He wanted to cry, yet scream, laugh..so many things because this was all just no surfacing and it just was so new to him. Here he was depressed so much over rejection only to be told he was never alone. It was a lot to take in.

     The taller vocalist just stared at him, a flash of worry on his face as he went to reach one hand out to grab onto the maknae, but was holding back, but the he eased when the youngest finally started processing things in his head better a smile starting to form on his lips at the words that were said, his eyes looking like they shined like a million stars in the sky when Changkyun looked up at Hyungwon. This was actually happening. His feelings weren't as one-sided as he thought and both wanted one another. And Hyungwon this whole time was flirting with him? Those things between each other wasn't just him being his close friend. That put a whole new spin on how he viewed everything that the vocalist did with him versus the other members. Changkyun was about to move forward and grip the other's face and kiss him right there like he so badly wanted to many times, but a sudden heavy feeling in his stomach held him back as he lifted his foot to move forward and instead returned to its place on the ground. The youngest rapper's smile disappeared and turned into one of forlorn and guilt almost as quick as it had changed. Hyungwon just watched as the bright smile he adored so much faded as his own expression return to that of concern.

“Kyunnie? Uh..I thought mutual confessions in dramas often ended in relief and maybe tears of joy, hugs and all that. This isn't exactly what I had in mind pictured when I confessed.” The older scratched at his head, letting out a rather slight exasperated chuckle, trying to maybe ease any remaining tension in the air with a joke, but he could tell it wasn't exactly working with the boy in front of him. The black haired boy stood their biting his lip in irritation now instead of nervousness, nose scrunching up at a mixture of worry, sadness, frustration and a mixture of other emotions showed in his eyes. From ones of happiness and all sort to now ones of negativity. Silence filled the air between the two roommates for a few moments until the youngest finally spoke up again.

“This can't happen, Wonnie-hyung. An _Us_. _Together._ We can't be a thing, hyung. These confessions..just..we have to forget them. They just have to stay away.” His voice sounded so small and fragile. So disheartened. If you could use something to describe how a voice could sound, it was almost like a dog who had whimpered away after doing something accidentally wrong. Now it was time for Hyungwon to be confused as he looked at the one in front of him. An expression of being lost turned puzzled to slightly hurt. _Just..forget all that buildup?_ That was not what either of them expected that was for sure.

“I..What now? Forget we like each other and the confession we just dealt with just like that? That's a bit dramatic and sudden. Even for me.” The elder took a minute to think, clearing his throat slightly before speaking again, his expression turning to calm once more. “I take it this has to do with the group and the company, doesn't it?” Hyungwon looked down at the ground before his eye trailed back up to the boy in front of him, noticing the slight flinch he made at his words, which only confirmed to the older that that was exactly what the younger was now upset over and using as the reason to forget what had just occurred. God..Hyungwon seriously was fucking good at reading him so well. It made Changkyun feel vulnerable, but also grateful someone knew him that closely and paid enough attention to get that close.

“Hyung..we can't do anything past confessions. Even if we tried to stay secret, it will spill eventually. And what about the members? How will they feel with two of their members dating? Two of the same-sex for that matter. We went through a lot of shit to get where we are. I'm not causing more problems or heartbreak again. Not after the tension I brought with _No Mercy_. Plus, a gay relationship? In Korea? Won-” The younger cleared his throat, sighing before speaking once more. “- _Hyung,_ you KNOW that won't go over well when we are found out, especially with Starship. _Destroyer_ won't just be the name of our song, but the title we're given for ruining our group.” Changkyun emphasized the last part as he spoke as if he was trying to make it clear the situation they were in. Everything suddenly felt so hopeless and he felt defeated. There he was with the man who also wanted to be with him, who was making his heart goddamn slam against his chest even just standing there right now and because of the shitty world and cruelty of others, they couldn't even be happy. He loved his family..his MEMBERS that much that even if it made him have to give up love, he would because he didn't want to hurt anyone, not just the members, but especially Hyungwon. But he wasn't even focusing how the excuses he had made to just forget they wanted one another were already hurting the elder.

     Silence passed between the two as Hyungwon continued to look at the youngest, averting his gaze every so often with his own hurt in his eyes because of the fact Changkyun and him FINALLY got It out they wanted to be together and the confession was finally out in the open and now the youngest just wanted to suddenly back out and dismiss it. It bothered the elder a lot considering the fact it been flat out more than a year he was head over heels for the younger and now this bullshit. Changkyun just felt bad with the fact he could easily see the hurt on Hyungwon's face and how he subtly tried it hide it, but the younger picked up quicker on it.

“Hyung...you know I don't mean to be hurting you or want any of this bullshit. I just..you know I care about everyone and I just am trying to be realistic here about the situation. I know--” Changkyun was trying to rationalize why they shouldn't even try anything and that pushed the taller's buttons as he was suddenly cut off and now being looked at by a rather hurtful expression mixed with...was that disappointment?

“No, you don't know shit, Changkyun. You aren't being realistic at all and you certainly aren't even giving us a chance. You just literally fought with me out of fear of rejection and I finally tell you I like you. How for almost 2 years I have been desperately wanting to do nothing but tell you I love you to you and you're not even bothering to let me be a part of the decision. You-” Hyungwon's voice was stern at first but started to break towards the end, now his turn to falter on his words like the youngest had earlier before he spoke up again, his gaze still full of hurt. “You aren't even giving me a chance to protect us. To protect _you_. Do you think I don't know any of the risks? Do you think I didn't have those same exact doubts you are now? Do you THINK I didn't panic when I realized I was falling for a member in my team and I live in a place where people don't understand? Or is it...you are one of those people like the countless of people who hate us that think I am lazy, that I don't think about anything, and that I am useless and don't even know the consequences of what an _us_ could do?”

     This time it was Changkyun in disbelief as his mouth hang slightly open upon hearing the vocalist's words. He never was thinking anything bad about Hyungwon like that. He never once thought he was useless or lazy or uncaring at all. He knows just how loving the older actually was and how his laughter was like a light in a dark room and how his smile could make anyone feel comfort. He knew how the other practiced so hard day after day on their routines, how he always trained daily even now to strengthen his voice even if he did get so few lines, always did his best to looked good and smile for others even though the rapper could tell how tired and drained the older was. He knew better. Yet..here the youngest rapper was. He _was_ doubting them both. The taller was right in the fact Changkyun wasn't even giving it a chance. He WASN'T even talking to Hyungwon about it and just making an irrational decision on his own like a child. He just called out a decision like he knew what was best and didn't even bother to understand the elder had struggled with those same thoughts already. He didn't even try to listen first nor even give time to revel in the fact they both loved each other deeply. Wait..did Hyungwon actually say he _loved_ him?

“Won, you know I don't think anything like that. Don't say that shit. I never think anything like that at all. You're clever and hardworking and funny and smart..far from any of those things. And maybe I didn't bother to actually talk to you. And that is all on me. I just—I can't allow everything to fall apart like that and ruin everything. Our music, our careers..especially the hurtful things that could be said if or when people found out and we no longer have anyone left. The group doesn't deserve that..YOU don't deserve that.” The youngest spoke with his own tone in assurance and had his own sound of sadness in it. It bothered him to no end that here he was just even thinking like he was. Trying to have a reason to pretty much do what he was so afraid of from Hyungwon doing to him and instead here he was rejecting the other in return. He didn't want it at all and it was tearing at him so goddamn bad. Like it felt like his heart was about to flood through non-existent tears and break it open, but he was trying to reassure his hyung that it was for a good reason. He wanted so hard to believe the choice being made was right. And all he heard was Hyungwon sigh as the expression of the other changed from disappointment and hurt to one that was almost like he was at peace? This confused the rapper slightly as he went to speak against but stopped as the other spoke instead.

“Kyun..Our music and careers aren't all we have. It isn't immediately the end if we were found out. And yeah..we will get a lot of hurtful words at us no doubt. A LOT of hate and disrespect..but it won't be us doing it alone like you think. We'll have each other through it all. Fuck what everyone else says to me and how they want me to fit their ideal. I'm me and you are you, Kyunnie. If you love someone you, yes _love someone,_ you shouldn't stop being who you are because of others. You shouldn't give up something in this hateful world that is so hard to find because of it. Believe it or not..Jooheon is the one who told me that.” Hyungwon slightly chuckled at the last part of his words as his gaze never left the younger. He even watched the younger's eyes widen at the mention of his fellow rapper's name and could see how everything he said was clearly even slightly bringing relief to the youngest. _Just a little more_ was all he thought before he continued on. “Yeah..I did have every single doubt in the world before and Jooheon is the one who made stop being ashamed of it which is why I had the courage to stand here and talk with you. He told me one thing that will stick with me until the end, Changkyun and I hope you find solace in it too. He said 'No matter what I will always defend you and stand beside you because being true to yourself is far more important than some music career and that we are family whether as Monsta X or not'. You think we're alone. That it is just me and you. Yet, you have one of your best friends who knows my feelings for you and he told me he would stay beside us both no matter what, that he would give up his own music if it meant being their for his family, Kyun. With that, I decided you were more important and I wouldn't give up my feelings unless you rejected me in the end..even then I don't think I would give them up. Because..well to me you are worth it.”

     At that moment all Changkyun could do is stand there. He listened carefully to every word that came out of his crush's mouth. Hearing how Jooheon had comforted him..how his _best friend_ cared more about them over his music. How his _best friend_ would stand beside him and the guy he liked so much with his heart really made him realize just how vital friendship meant. How important both him and Hyungwon were to his fellow rapper. And here Hyungwon had ended his words telling him that a career loss, hate from people, loss of so many people who support him was all worth it if it meant being himself and being with the youngest. He felt the sting at his eyes like he was going to cry. Again, the flood of tears in his heart wanted to burst but this time it wasn't a bad feeling. It made his chest swell and he almost felt like he couldn't breathe. Was this even possible? Literally a bit ago they were touching each other on stage at a concert and here they were...well Hyungwon was telling him he loved him. It was so overwhelming but it made him feel so good. It made him feel so goddamn happy. Happier than debuting. Happier then when he finished a song. Happier than when they saw Monbebes. It was the best feeling in the world. He finally was able to move to bend down to pick up his stuff, his eyes briefly moving up to look at the older member whom was his roommate, his crush, and the damn man he wanted to be with endlessly as he went to smile. And yet, before he could he finish bending to gather up what he had dropped, he was brought back up against the wall in a flash of mere milliseconds. Changkyun was pressed back up against the wall he had been against moment ago, soft, yet tight hands pinning him against against it as they laid on either side of his head. His gaze snapped up to Hyungwon holding his hands there, the pressure on his wrists tight as their gazes connected for a brief moment. _Affection. Adoration. Trust. Security. Love. Want. Need._ All in a brief moment of such a quick glance and then warm, plump lips pressed against Changkyun's own slightly trembling lips. And all the younger felt was how his body easily heated up to the kiss. And how it felt right. Then, he was melting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Next Chapter will be the Smut & Ending.  
> I am sorry it took so long..I have been dealing with depression and bad anxiety...  
> I really am sorry.
> 
> Please bear a bit longer and I hope I am not failing you.  
> Remember, comments and kudos really do mean a lot and make me feel I am doing okay! <3


	3. UPDATE: What's Going On

Hey everyone.

This isn't the last chapter of smut, love filled goodness like I promised yet.  
I haven't updated in a long time and I am sorry.  
I actually have been having a hard time with this story because I feel like I  
am such a shitty writer and on top of that I have been severely depressed.

I've had suicidal thoughts and lost alot of my motivation to update. On top  
of that I feel like not many like this fic so I wanted to delete it a lot of times.  
However, I don't like leaving things unfinished and just rid of them. I ain't  
like that. So that's why it is still posted. It just..isn't updated.

I do plan to finish it within the next few months, but right now I moved onto  
some other projects with ships people actually like and want. I will be having   
another update and one shot coming up today as well so please be on the look  
out for that.

I will return to this very soon...I just..need to mentally feel like this fic is worthy  
and liked enough to finish.

Again..I am sorry.

~Icy_Peachy

**Author's Note:**

> Again, thank you for taking the time to read this! I hope you aren't too disappointed. Writing this has been a mess because of my depression, but I am trying my best!! (I also for once took pride in something I did so..yeah..) 
> 
> Other future works are planned so please stay tuned! Thank you again!~
> 
> Love,  
> Peachy <3
> 
> Twitter: @ChaerryMint (Come chat with me!)


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